T Nation

A Rant by BruceLeeFan

Friday my internet went down. So after a shit awful day I did some writing. Here is some of it, not going to share all for some of it is rather personal. Excuse my English spellings :slight_smile:


Sat inside my dark room of a not so very late hour. I am melancholy. The internet isn’t working, I’ve lost the network key and I don’t really understand how I could have been so stupid as to have done this. You would probably think I am an idiot, perhaps I am. Why would I lose such an important thing? So surprisingly, I have rolled myself a cigarette for once. Today I have felt so irritable. The lack of the internet is really bothering me, not that I understand why… All I would be doing is talking to a few people on MSN messenger, browsing facebook feeling just as sorry for myself just as I am now. I suppose all frustration and boredom is misplaced anger. I finish half of the cigarette and allow it to burn out to have the last of it later. I have more tobacco but of course no rizzlas. Now I have already stated the hour is not so very late, but late enough for all the shops to be shut. Not that I have enough money to buy anything right now anyway. No credit on my mobile phone, it sits unused out in the garage gym next door, I use it for listening to mediocre radio bullshit songs and talk of random idiotic DJs. Insignificant minds, wrapped in their own ego caressing it so “ohhhhh I love myself” fap, fap. Yes I hate the human model of this time. Misplaced of course, perhaps.

h what can I do though? Right now I’m doing what I can… Listening to Johnny Cash I particularly enjoy “old” music. I feel it has lasted this time, gained the popularity for a reason and when you can surpass caring what you think should be listened to for the sake of coolness you really enjoy this music also. It resonates within, the frequencies are perfect. But God I hate life! I hate how this new phrase is out “FML” - Fuck My Life. It’s stupid, everyone has their woes but why do these people complain so much? They have boyfriends/girlfriends, money, hopes and dreams. This is what annoys me. Their stupidity offers them a cocoon in which protects them from the majority of the woes that attack me like a pack of savage dogs. I am sweating incessantly, I just picked up my citrus liquid/oil deodorant and dropped something off of the desk, I don’t know what… I don’t care, so why so angry? Misplaced, misplaced. Now I sit here with nothing to type, stare at the desk and continue to type exactly what it is that is happening. It is not happening to me more I am happening and then emotion surfaces which continues as a long causal chain action and reaction, action and reaction. Linear causal determinism, what an obsession of mine. I was certainly very into philosophy for a while, I frequented a forum for 2 or so months got bored and never went back. Now would certainly not be a good time to go back to that… Although my mind never drifts far from thoughts of the kind. However the pack of savage dogs pursues me if I was to go back they would surely find and devour me. Why do I say this? Well for almost 9 months I was experimenting as many teens do with cannabis, harmless I believed however a hallucinogenic trip, panic attack and continued paranoia left me a shell. I fought this anxiety day in day out for almost 6months and finally, I feel a little better. It was the worst mental illness I could have dealt with, each illness is ones own battle of course and ones own worst nightmare though I suppose. Since this time many things have happened none of which I will put too much detail into as it does not really matter.

Bob Dylan, a nice change from J.R Cash. Dylans masterful lyrics never cease to amaze me… I would like to see him live one day, not that this will happen with current financial matters.
On the doll, nice… The Mother wants 20% of this money every week, I have been attempting to save another 20% and then I spend the remainder on food. What do I have that I want from this? Nothing. Food I need to survive and the money I am putting away I will almost definitely need at some point to survive. I am now left thinking of my friend, what he is doing. I know he may be getting drunk alone tonight. A suitable appointment with brief euphoria or maybe a trip with despair. He bought his ticket from despair. We all spend our time now wondering why our lives are like they are, very few are happy… What is happiness anyway? We continue to walk this path of ours, mostly ignorant… I don’t mind I find it to be half of the fun, yes life is fun, brilliant and beautiful heh, heh perhaps now you see my predicament? Full of ironic, juxtapositions. I hate but I love, yin yang if you will… I just dislike society, how it is rather, where it is going… People have become desperately dumb, poor and ignorant. Natural selection is all but removed now. Not that I am an exception, as a child I may have perished many a time without medicine from whatever illnesses I may have had. But it does bother me, we violators. Alas time I feel to have the other half of this cigarette. Depressing. Should I not be out on a friday night? Yes, I should. I want females, I crave their soft, curvy, sweet smelling bodies. Oh what I would do with them. This is half of my dilemma. The fact I am smoking like this speaks, volumes multiple ones. You see primarily, I am concerned with one thing. Me, longevity and health is my purpose but why? Why am I smoking heh. A hedonistic exploit I am inundated with wants, I FUCKING WANT. I want to travel, I want sex yet I am going through sexual abstinence. I will not masturbate. I like the feeling of being so horny I could almost burst with it all at any moment. Besides I find it makes me more daring with the females, not that this helps when you know very few, the ones you do know don’t give a shit about a guy like me. Being fair here, I am not ugly I am even in fairly good shape now. I was once a fat young hopeless child who didn’t give a shit. Most of my friends are from this period, I continue my commitment to friendship out of loyalty and “better” times. Eventually I will leave them, or them me in one form or another. This always happens. I do love my friends though. I rarely drink now but when I do OH BOY are you going to find a strange person and they love me like this. I do not so much, I do but lifes sweetest intoxicant is being straight-edge enjoying what you have etc. I do not always feel this way, or actually I do, but I do not always enjoy life.

I feel like a hopeless bum, condemned. I am only a little better off than a bum and I do not pretend to be as bad off as some, hell I’m usually even modest. I dislike talking about myself, people take this as shy ness mind you. It’s just I find action speaks louder than words. Hell Isn’t silence loudest of all. “Fucking chair” Wooden and creaky, “fuck you chair”. I am going to open the window, this place is a sauna. It’s fucking Hell… Back and just thinking how everything in this new house creaks. What a shithole.

I have left a large part out here. This is the last part I will share.

That was a nice dump, just headed into the bathroom for my post-waking bowel movement. Today with the door open, strange, I get such pleasures from little things. No one is in the house today so I like to do things a little differently. A man likes to take a dump with the door open. The hallway is littered with hair dye my sister has spilled to the carpet which has now dried and looks like blood infact, the hallway however is warm, unbearably so infact. We had a man come to fix the boiler the other day and since then the women, being gluttons with both food and other things, have left the heating on everywhere. Inside the bathroom, I sat thinking hah, I do like to think while in the bathroom, strangely when your aim is so simple, to take a shit and you know you can do this shit you have no doubts about your ability to do the shit, then your thinking is very clear, very open. So I sat, thinking… “Why do I like having this door open?” I thought back “Perhaps this is because of your blatant dislike for condemnation, the feeling of being trapped but I am no claustraphobe.” My thoughts even wandered a little towards thinking about when my mother and sister had left to go to Greece on holiday for two weeks, I was alone, free for two weeks. Un-hindered by idiotic sycophantic fools, I was left to my magnanimous self and felt happier than I have felt in a long time. I would dance, sing, sleep, eat, shit. Whenever, however I wanted. Unfortunately, they left to Greece for those two weeks without leaving me food or money. My grandparents being good people however gave me enough money to eat, I also was lucky enough to get an afternoons work bucking straw bales with my friend Redman, whom I have already mentioned. That was actually really good fun, despite my lower back problems giving me troubles. During their two week absence I wanted to bring some girls round, talk with them, test their intellectual capacity for conversation with someone that is so full of talk that they could explode at any second. Of course, this didn’t happen. I was rather annoyed at myself but what can I do other than try?

Do you want a hug?

i dont think you’re a worthless bum.

that being said, can i have your computer and any t.shirts ‘xl’ or larger if you decide to off yourself?

[quote]Brant_Drake wrote:
Do you want a hug?[/quote]

Well, even though his rant/writing was lame, at least he made the effort… instead of posting a snarky pic he found off the internet.

lol

[quote]Brant_Drake wrote:
Do you want a hug?[/quote]

Errr not from you captain sweatpants.

hey ID,

do you still have braces?

[quote]Iron Dwarf wrote:
Brant_Drake wrote:
Do you want a hug?

Well, even though his rant/writing was lame, at least he made the effort… instead of posting a snarky pic he found off the internet.

lol
[/quote]

That’s true. I’ve just been waiting for a chance to use that picture and couldn’t resist.

I’ll post some boobies to make it up to him.

[quote]BruceLeeFan wrote:

Right now I’m doing what I can… Listening to Johnny Cash I particularly enjoy “old” music…That was a nice dump, just headed into the bathroom for my post-waking bowel movement. [/quote]

Ring of Fire?

To clear things up quickly. The intention/motive in writing this was never to get anyone to “care” frankly I don’t give a fuck. If you took some time to read it you would realise the last thing I care about is anyone other than myself, principally I only care about how I feel about myself. I’m sorry if any of you believe yourselves so important that you believe I’ve done this exclusively for your benefit. Meaning that I have done this to get some sort of attention from you. Quite the contrary, I enjoy writing, I do it for myself… I shared this here because I thought maybe, just maybe someone is out there right now who has nothing to do and they may appreciate reading something a little different from talk of tv shows, comics and sport.

Whatever. I’m ready for the pictures and lame comments. Just maybe one day some of you will have the balls to do something like this. For the right reasons.

[quote]roybot wrote:
BruceLeeFan wrote:

Right now I’m doing what I can… Listening to Johnny Cash I particularly enjoy “old” music…That was a nice dump, just headed into the bathroom for my post-waking bowel movement.

Ring of Fire?[/quote]

Yes sir, highwayman is a particular favourite of mine also.

[quote]BruceLeeFan wrote:

Yes sir, highwayman is a particular favourite of mine also.[/quote]

No, no, no. You were listening to Johnny Cash and you were taking a dump. Ring of Fire. Ring of Fire. Get it? Aw shit, never mind…

…seriously though, if you’re feeling low, you should stay away from his cover of Hurt. It’s liable to push you over the edge.

You sound like me right after highschool. Things are better/different now btw.

May the swole be with you.

[quote]BruceLeeFan wrote:
“Fucking chair” Wooden and creaky, “fuck you chair”.
[/quote]

Yeah man, you tell that chair!
…fucking chairs.

That was enormously long! Though having no internet must a been a real shit. At least with the internet we dont have to think about how shitty our life is…instead we can read about some other poor shmuck’s shitty, internetless life. Then we can think about their life and forget about the collection agencies that are coming after us for unpaid phone bills.

I feel your pain. Keep shitting with the door open.

oh and break that fucking chair, do it for all of us.

[quote]roybot wrote:
BruceLeeFan wrote:

Yes sir, highwayman is a particular favourite of mine also.

No, no, no. You were listening to Johnny Cash and you were taking a dump. Ring of Fire. Ring of Fire. Get it? Aw shit, never mind…

…seriously though, if you’re feeling low, you should stay away from his cover of Hurt. It’s liable to push you over the edge.

[/quote]

I only read the first part, sorry. I get it now I’ve read the whole thing. Very witty. Not quite as good though as when I once got a girl to believe I was a sailor and say she likes sea men :stuck_out_tongue:

[quote]andrew_live wrote:
BruceLeeFan wrote:
“Fucking chair” Wooden and creaky, “fuck you chair”.

Yeah man, you tell that chair!
…fucking chairs.

That was enormously long! Though having no internet must a been a real shit. At least with the internet we dont have to think about how shitty our life is…instead we can read about some other poor shmuck’s shitty, internetless life. Then we can think about their life and forget about the collection agencies that are coming after us for unpaid phone bills.

I feel your pain. Keep shitting with the door open.

oh and break that fucking chair, do it for all of us.[/quote]

That chair had it coming… Lol.

[quote]BruceLeeFan wrote:

I only read the first part, sorry. I get it now I’ve read the whole thing.[/quote]

But I only wrote “Ring of Fire?”. You mean to say you only got as far as “Ring” and then gave up? Maybe I should’ve gone for a different Johnny Cash number. One Piece at a Time would be a good song to take a crap to…

[quote]
Very witty. Not quite as good though as when I once got a girl to believe I was a sailor and say she likes sea men :P[/quote]

Yes, very droll. I won’t ask how you convinced her that you were a sailor.

Ah, yes… I remember that period of time. When the suckness of the entire world and its inhabitants finally closes in on you. You seem to have a little bit of denial left in you, though.

Look, the sooner you realize that the world absolutely blows and doesn’t give a fuck about you, the sooner you’ll turn inward for happiness. And if you never do that, you’ll be shit on for the rest of your life.

Looking for that special ‘someone’ who’ll give you happiness? You’ll get a ‘someone’ who’ll play with your emotions, use you for everything they can get, and shit on you.

Think being good at a job will bring you happiness? Think again. The brass will run you as hard as they can for as long as they can. When you stop running, they’ll shit on you.

Friends? See ‘special someone’ above. They’ll shit on you, too.

BUT!!! Make good decisions right now. Do what you have to do, and you’ll find yourself in your accomplishments, whatever your goals may be. Find your own happiness, and let the world deal with it however they can.

I apologize for waxing philosophical. Carry on…

You expect people to read that?

[quote]BruceLeeFan wrote:
To clear things up quickly. The intention/motive in writing this was never to get anyone to “care” frankly I don’t give a fuck. If you took some time to read it you would realise the last thing I care about is anyone other than myself, principally I only care about how I feel about myself. I’m sorry if any of you believe yourselves so important that you believe I’ve done this exclusively for your benefit. Meaning that I have done this to get some sort of attention from you. Quite the contrary, I enjoy writing, I do it for myself… I shared this here because I thought maybe, just maybe someone is out there right now who has nothing to do and they may appreciate reading something a little different from talk of tv shows, comics and sport.

Whatever. I’m ready for the pictures and lame comments. Just maybe one day some of you will have the balls to do something like this. For the right reasons.[/quote]

But you care enough to let people know that you don’t care.