Friday my internet went down. So after a shit awful day I did some writing. Here is some of it, not going to share all for some of it is rather personal. Excuse my English spellings
Sat inside my dark room of a not so very late hour. I am melancholy. The internet isn’t working, I’ve lost the network key and I don’t really understand how I could have been so stupid as to have done this. You would probably think I am an idiot, perhaps I am. Why would I lose such an important thing? So surprisingly, I have rolled myself a cigarette for once. Today I have felt so irritable. The lack of the internet is really bothering me, not that I understand why… All I would be doing is talking to a few people on MSN messenger, browsing facebook feeling just as sorry for myself just as I am now. I suppose all frustration and boredom is misplaced anger. I finish half of the cigarette and allow it to burn out to have the last of it later. I have more tobacco but of course no rizzlas. Now I have already stated the hour is not so very late, but late enough for all the shops to be shut. Not that I have enough money to buy anything right now anyway. No credit on my mobile phone, it sits unused out in the garage gym next door, I use it for listening to mediocre radio bullshit songs and talk of random idiotic DJs. Insignificant minds, wrapped in their own ego caressing it so “ohhhhh I love myself” fap, fap. Yes I hate the human model of this time. Misplaced of course, perhaps.
h what can I do though? Right now I’m doing what I can… Listening to Johnny Cash I particularly enjoy “old” music. I feel it has lasted this time, gained the popularity for a reason and when you can surpass caring what you think should be listened to for the sake of coolness you really enjoy this music also. It resonates within, the frequencies are perfect. But God I hate life! I hate how this new phrase is out “FML” - Fuck My Life. It’s stupid, everyone has their woes but why do these people complain so much? They have boyfriends/girlfriends, money, hopes and dreams. This is what annoys me. Their stupidity offers them a cocoon in which protects them from the majority of the woes that attack me like a pack of savage dogs. I am sweating incessantly, I just picked up my citrus liquid/oil deodorant and dropped something off of the desk, I don’t know what… I don’t care, so why so angry? Misplaced, misplaced. Now I sit here with nothing to type, stare at the desk and continue to type exactly what it is that is happening. It is not happening to me more I am happening and then emotion surfaces which continues as a long causal chain action and reaction, action and reaction. Linear causal determinism, what an obsession of mine. I was certainly very into philosophy for a while, I frequented a forum for 2 or so months got bored and never went back. Now would certainly not be a good time to go back to that… Although my mind never drifts far from thoughts of the kind. However the pack of savage dogs pursues me if I was to go back they would surely find and devour me. Why do I say this? Well for almost 9 months I was experimenting as many teens do with cannabis, harmless I believed however a hallucinogenic trip, panic attack and continued paranoia left me a shell. I fought this anxiety day in day out for almost 6months and finally, I feel a little better. It was the worst mental illness I could have dealt with, each illness is ones own battle of course and ones own worst nightmare though I suppose. Since this time many things have happened none of which I will put too much detail into as it does not really matter.
Bob Dylan, a nice change from J.R Cash. Dylans masterful lyrics never cease to amaze me… I would like to see him live one day, not that this will happen with current financial matters.
On the doll, nice… The Mother wants 20% of this money every week, I have been attempting to save another 20% and then I spend the remainder on food. What do I have that I want from this? Nothing. Food I need to survive and the money I am putting away I will almost definitely need at some point to survive. I am now left thinking of my friend, what he is doing. I know he may be getting drunk alone tonight. A suitable appointment with brief euphoria or maybe a trip with despair. He bought his ticket from despair. We all spend our time now wondering why our lives are like they are, very few are happy… What is happiness anyway? We continue to walk this path of ours, mostly ignorant… I don’t mind I find it to be half of the fun, yes life is fun, brilliant and beautiful heh, heh perhaps now you see my predicament? Full of ironic, juxtapositions. I hate but I love, yin yang if you will… I just dislike society, how it is rather, where it is going… People have become desperately dumb, poor and ignorant. Natural selection is all but removed now. Not that I am an exception, as a child I may have perished many a time without medicine from whatever illnesses I may have had. But it does bother me, we violators. Alas time I feel to have the other half of this cigarette. Depressing. Should I not be out on a friday night? Yes, I should. I want females, I crave their soft, curvy, sweet smelling bodies. Oh what I would do with them. This is half of my dilemma. The fact I am smoking like this speaks, volumes multiple ones. You see primarily, I am concerned with one thing. Me, longevity and health is my purpose but why? Why am I smoking heh. A hedonistic exploit I am inundated with wants, I FUCKING WANT. I want to travel, I want sex yet I am going through sexual abstinence. I will not masturbate. I like the feeling of being so horny I could almost burst with it all at any moment. Besides I find it makes me more daring with the females, not that this helps when you know very few, the ones you do know don’t give a shit about a guy like me. Being fair here, I am not ugly I am even in fairly good shape now. I was once a fat young hopeless child who didn’t give a shit. Most of my friends are from this period, I continue my commitment to friendship out of loyalty and “better” times. Eventually I will leave them, or them me in one form or another. This always happens. I do love my friends though. I rarely drink now but when I do OH BOY are you going to find a strange person and they love me like this. I do not so much, I do but lifes sweetest intoxicant is being straight-edge enjoying what you have etc. I do not always feel this way, or actually I do, but I do not always enjoy life.
I feel like a hopeless bum, condemned. I am only a little better off than a bum and I do not pretend to be as bad off as some, hell I’m usually even modest. I dislike talking about myself, people take this as shy ness mind you. It’s just I find action speaks louder than words. Hell Isn’t silence loudest of all. “Fucking chair” Wooden and creaky, “fuck you chair”. I am going to open the window, this place is a sauna. It’s fucking Hell… Back and just thinking how everything in this new house creaks. What a shithole.