A New Joke Thread

Off Topic
21

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
“I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins?”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”

Man: “I’m telling everybody.”

22

During his 1956 U.S. presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai Stevenson
“Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!”
Stevenson shot back:
“That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!”

23

[quote]Professor X wrote:
“I’m telling everybody.”[/quote]

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHA

24

A midget goes into a whorehouse and tells the madam has had some trouble getting with women. The madam looks at him and tells him to go to room 101 and he will be taken care of. Once he reaches room 101 he takes his pants off and reveals a massive three foot schlong that would choke even the best whore in the world. Of course the girl is unable to accomodate him.

The very angry midget goes back to the madam and asks her for his money back as he was not satisfied at all. So she tells him to head up to room 202 and the same thing happens, he is unable to get his huge member into the girl. He goes to room 303 and 404 and still each girl can not fit the bill.

At his wits end he emplores the madam that he has a huge dick and has not gotten it into a girl in a long time so she sends him to room 505 with a promise that he will be happy. Begrudgingly the midget goes back upstairs and pulls his pants off with very limited enthusiasm.

He and the hooker embrace and things get going, and once again the midgets member can not be accomodated. He groans in disgust and begins to leave. The experienced hooker says wait one minute and I will be back. On her return, he is able to fit his three foot donkey-esk dick in and is having the best sex of his life. Content with this situation the midget asks: damn what did you do to fit my huge penis inside you?

She answered very calmly:
I pulled the scabs out!

After the grandma’s shrimp joke that one should be ok.

25

A god fearing young man and his beautyfull fiance have made a commitment to obstain from sex until married.

The day of their wedding approaches and they are very excited about the honeymoon. The wedding and reception are wonderfull, and everything goes off without a hitch. The young couple arrive at the honeymoon suite very eager with anticipation, the groom becoming very anxious.

They retire to the bedroom to consumate their relationship, only to find each other hiding under the covers with anxiety.

The groom asks the bride- " Honey, What is wrong? Is something bothering you?“.
The bride responds " I held true to our promise, I am a virgin, and I’m just nervous about our first time!”.

The groom turns to her and says- " Darling, it’s o.k., I have held true too, but there is something else I should tell you too. I have an infant like penis. I hope you can accept me as I am.".

The bride is relieved, but a bit dissapointed. " That’s O.K. dear. I will love you regardless of that.".

With that, the tension breaks, and they start tearing each others clothes off. The bride pulls down her grooms pants and out springs this Huge pecker, the size of a fillet mignon.

Surprised, she asks the groom “I thought you said you have an infant like penis?!”

Grinning, the groom responds " It certainly is. 9 lbs and 8 ounces!".

26

One Saturday afternoon, a bus full of Catholic school girls are on their way to their senior class trip. An ice cream truck cuts them off on the bridge and sends them tumbling 25 feet below, dying in a fiery inferno.

As they stand in the line to get into Heaven, the first girl walks up. St. Peter begins with the usual questions, then says, “Okay Amanda, as an unmarried woman, have you ever had any contact with a male’s penis before?” and Amanda replies, “Well, St. Peter, I saw my boyfriends once.” St Peter says, “Okay, go wash your eyes out with Holy Water from that fountain, and you may enter.” And she does.

The next girl in line, he asks the same question of, this time getting the response, “Well, St Peter, I touched my boyfriends once,” St. Peter says, “Well, you’ve been a good girl overall, and repentant of your sins. Go wash your hands in the fountain of Holy Water and you may enter.” And she does.

About that time he sees two girls pushing and shoving back in line, causing a huge ruckus. “HEY! YOU TWO IN THE BACK! UP HERE- NOW!” Both girls walk up to the front and kneel before St. Peter. “What are your names?” he asks.

“I’m Jessica, and this is my best friend Heather,”

“Well, Jessica and Heather, mind telling me what all of the commotion is about?”

“Heather was in front of me, sir, and I know it’s wrong to cut in line, but…”

“But what? Surely you have nowhere else to be right now.” asks St. Peter.

“I know sir, but there’s no way I’m rinsing my mouth out with that water after Heather washes her ass in there!”

27

A very drunken man walks into a confessional booth in a Catholic church. After waiting a bit, the priest taps on the wall. After a minute, he taps again, then again. Finally, the drunk responds: “Look mister, I’ll be done shitting when I’m done. Quit the damn tapping!”