A New Joke Thread

OK, let’s start a new joke thread. A lot of us are at work and have very limited internet access. I’ll start with an old favorite of mine:

What did the leper tell the hooker?

Keep the tip.


One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
“I can fix that with some Aspirin. I’ll just take some and I’ll be better in a second.”

So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.

The CEO says “We don’t approve of womanizing!”

The guy says “Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while you’re winking?”

 A jock and a geek applying for the same job. 

The boss said, “Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job.”

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. “Well,” he said, “Both of you got the same score except I’m going to choose the geek.”

The jock complained, “Don’t you think that’s prejudice or something?”

“Well,” the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered ‘I don’t know,’ and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, ‘Me either’.

Q: Who was Christopher Reeve’s favorite actor?
A: Christopher Walken

Yesterday my girlfriend said I was a pedophile. I thought that was a pretty big word for an 8 year old.

the pedophile on just reminded me of this,

a pedophile and a little boy are walking in a dark forest. The kid says “Im scared.” the pedophile replies “how do you think I feel, I gotta walk outta here alone.”

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied,

“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.”

husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, “Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we’re going up to our room for a little while.”

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

“Before you look in there,” he says, “keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs.”

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him. …Hi George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?

George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!


Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

What do you get if you cross an owl with a rooster?

A cock that stays up all night.

[quote]cap’nsalty wrote:
Q: Who was Christopher Reeve’s favorite actor?
A: Christopher Walken[/quote]

thats so wrong, but funny!


How do you make a hormone?

…Pinch her tits.

A baby seal walks into a club.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The Bartendar comes over and says to the grasshopper, “Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper replies, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”


A mother is cooking dinner in the kitchen when her little 5 year old boy comes bounding in screaming, “Mommy! Mommy! Grandma has a shrimp!”
The mother, very confused, says, “What do you mean Grandma has a shrimp?”
“Come see! Come see! Grandma has a shrimp.”

The mother and child go into the living room where Grandma is passed out, spread eagle, in all her naked wrinkled glory with the biggest clitoris you have ever seen poking through her gray hairs.

The very embaressed mother turns to her son and says, “Dear that is your Grandmothers Clitoris, not a shrimp.”
“Well it tastes like a shrimp!”

a mother has 3 children, 2 daughters and one son, they are triplets. One day the first daughter is crying, so the mom asks whats the matter. the daughter replies “I was going to the bathroom, and a BULLET fell out!” The mom then goes on to explain that its alright, because when she was pregnant she was robbed and got shot. The doctors said that it would be best to leave the bullets in for fear of killing the unborn fetus’. A week later the same thing happens with the second daughter, so the mother explains the story again. One more week later the same thing happens with the son. The mom says “its ok, I think I know whats wrong, you went to the bathroom and you expelled a bullet.”
The son replies “No no, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!”

A man decides that its time for his 16 year old son to learn the facts of life. He gives him $20 and tells him to go see one of the girls in the big brown house on the hill and they will teach him the facts of life. The son comes back about a half an hour later with a big smile on his face. His father asks him if he learned the facts of life. The boy says that he did but he didn’t have to go the brown house on the hill. The father asks him what he means. The son says “well, I was on my way up the hill when I saw Grandma in the front yard. She asked where I was going and I told her. She said that I didn’t have to go the house on the hill to learn the facts of life. She said she could teach me.”

The father says “You mean you fucked my mother?!”

The son says, “Why not dad, you’re fucking mine?!”

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the underling, “Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The underling signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling’s temple, cocks it and says, “Ask him again!”

The attorney signs to the underling, “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”

The underling signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”

The Godfather asks the attorney, “Well, what’d he say?” The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”