wonderful Arachne! I’ll be following along too and maybe joining in some aging (anti!!) convo as I’m (WTF?) jumping on the 50 y/o bus this coming year…
Yeah, I know hormones can drop through the floor in a matter of a few years. Not looking forward to that, myself. I’d be interested to hear how you cope with that.
Cal, lil I’ll be glad to be brutally frank about all this. If I can’t stand my own complaining maybe I will kick my own ass and get out of this fucking hole.
Now about alcohol
In my thirties, I drank quite a lot. After getting a child, a house, and a life I settled comfortably into a habit of ~3 glasses of wine per night. Every night of every week, year after year. Maybe that doesn’t sound like much, but I assure you, at 110 lbs bw, it’s much more than I need. As I trained harder and harder for TKD and started lifting, I improved my diet and read all I could about recovery and I did everything I could to improve my performance, except stop drinking wine.
After this last year of struggling with depression, I finally decided I would try not drinking to battle it, and maybe improve my numbers and my general health, reverse aging, etc. I was tired of wondering if I could have lifted a little more, if this slight headache was from the wine. Basically I was tired of alcohol being a possible reason for everything.
So, I quit my daily habit. (I’m allowing social drinking for now) After a few weeks I rediscovered the pleasure of falling asleep with no help. Most days when life doesn’t really feel like worth living I say “well, at least I didn’t drink.”
I thought my life would be perfect if I didn’t drink. But guess what. I got MORE depressed. I did some reading and I found out this is actually pretty common. There was a study on rats in which they fed the rats moderate amounts of alcohol and then cut them off. The rats became depressed. Your first question is “how do you know when rats are depressed?” They don’t swim when you put them in water. They just float there.
But here’s what I want to know: Do the rats ever start swimming again?!
Today is squat day. Lately I’ve been squatting hella deep and I intend to continue it.
<— Sober.
Thats all I really say about it publicly but available via PM anyone anytime
/publicserviceannouncement
poor rats!! Hell we all just float quite often…well I do at least! Do you mind telling us what kinda scientist you are? I apologize if you have already!
I’m an veterinary field dweeb so I like my fellows!!
Thanks Hallowed, I’m pretty sure it’s the right decision, but I was blindsided by the fact that my life didn’t miraculously fix itself! 
Brutey, I am a materials scientist working at a company → corporate research. So, Alexus, I am probably one of those who benefit from mainstream research, but I am painfully aware mainstream gets it wrong FREQUENTLY.
Squat day
Main lift
Squats very deep 1x3 45, 55, 65, 75 1x1 85 95 105 5x1 115 (87% of my 1RM)
Accessories
One leg extension (machine)4x5 at 50
Lunges 1x5 at 60 (I work up to 4 sets of 5 and then go to sets of 8 on the accessories)
A stepup with 135 lbs to feel the weight above my 1 RM.
Abs: rollouts 3x10
That’s all I had time for but as I left I felt a little lightness in my heart and I greeted people cheerfully in the hallway.
Peace and goodwill to all you beautiful people.
Hello. I’ll follow along if you don’t mind. This looks like a great log. Unfortunately I can’t relate with your troubles about aging but I can say that if your profile picture is you… my god you are in insanely great shape for any age and should be very proud of yourself. I’m my eyes you have no reason to be scared to look in the mirror but I hope you learn that too soon enough! Congratulations on all the healthy choices you seem to be making also. As well, and perhaps closest to my heart, thanks for squatting deep hahahah!
The honey badger is back! Honesty is one of the bravest acts. Glad to see you here logging.
I choose to believe that yes, the rats do start swimming again.
Alcohol is poison. Although I enjoy the taste of red wine with my dinner, even a small amount makes me feel “off” the next day. So, basically I never drink unless its a holiday or if perhaps I’m out for a fancy meal and am tempted.
There was a recent Elite FTS article on alcohol and training (and aging) which I really liked:
http://articles.elitefts.com/articles/iron-brothers/how-i-stopped-drinking/
Arramzy: I don’t mind at all if you follow along, and yes, that is indeed my torso, it’s a recent picture, and I assure you in person it is smokin
Nadia, thank you for those words. This is a big deal for me to be this honest.
Kimba, I’ll read it! Your comments on wine affecting your training have been one of the factors running through my head over the past year as I considered this decision.
Today may be a cardio only day. I have stupidmanagertraining all day.
The fronts of my shoulders are sore from benching and today is scheduled for arms and shoulders (military big lift). I see some major mid-back development when I look in the mirror, so much so that I am wondering if I need to work lats harder now. This is all focused on improving my bench. Also I could use some tips on the subtilties of facepulls. What angle, where are the elbows, that sort of thing. I find I am initiating them by pulling lower than my face, but then the rest of the pull is high. Does this mean I should back off on weight?
Yesterday I felt exhilaration while driving home from work. For a good 15 minutes I took pleasure in all around me and simply being alive. I don’t know if it’s the consistent cardio, the excellent squat training, or the fact that I was going out to dinner. I had 1.5 glasses of wine with dinner then went home and went to bed. I don’t feel bad today.
Next post, musings on depression part one.
You’re definitely doing the right things to pull out of the depression. The actions will eventually be followed by feelings. It takes a brrrraaaavvvve person to keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the hard stuff when it feels like there are no rewards. They’ll come. The little lightness will grow bigger. Soooo thankful you’re sharing…logs like this help a lot more people than the op ever realizes. keep strong spidah!
Depression part I Genetics and History (in which I explore the roots of the problem in hopes of solving it)
My father took lithium during college, so I know there’s depression in my family. I have had bouts of the blues throughout my life. The entire summer before college, my best friend tells me I spent most of the day sleeping and throwing up for no reason. I didn’t think much of it. I had some blue periods through grad school but nothing incapacitating.
In my mid-30s I discovered exercise and I would say for a good portion of the last decade I’ve been happy… really happy for years at a time. This last year, I have been looking for the missing key that I had. One piece may be hormones, as Cal mentioned. A piece may be adventure and a piece may be obsessive goals like pursuing blackbelt. But I’m pretty sure one piece is just moving… using my body and just MOVING.
This history tells me I am capable of sadness, but I am capable, nay, I am entitled to consistent, long-term happiness.
Yesterday I felt exhilaration while driving home from work. For a good 15 minutes I took pleasure in all around me and simply being alive.
[/quote]
Fuck yeah!! I love those moments!!! Here’s to more peeks outta the depths!!!
Entitlement to happiness is a good mantra.
I do much better having an obsessive goal, as I think you do. Figuring out what that might be is why I haven’t been able to write 2012 goals.
Brutey “fuck yeah”^2.
Kimba, part of my journey, as you will see, is figuring out whether obsessive goals are enough, necessary, too much, or if I can find peace without them. If necessary, I will go that route again, but that level of intensity is honestly pretty hard on my family. If that’s what it takes to keep me wanting to live, so be it.
Also you will be happy to know another Kimba quote features prominently in a future chapter of this story. 
Military press day
Didn’t do a lot today but I achieved my mpress goal and that’s good enough.
Main lift
BB military 1x1 45, 50, 55, 60, 5x1 70. Time to move up to 72.5 which is either my 1 RM or 2.5 lbs below it depending on whether I believe my excel spreadsheet or blackberry. There’s a discrepancy you see.
Accessories
DB bent laterals 1x8 8s I decided to lay off the front laterals today because I’m still sore from Monday.
Cable curls 2x8 at 20
Cable triceps pressdowns 4x5 at 60 I got mad props from my facilities manager for the “V” on my arms which I take to mean I have succeeded in building the other triceps head. yay me.
no abs
Finished up with obligatory psyche-preserving 15 minutes on the treadmill at 4.7 mph with a 3 minute cool down for a total of 1.37 miles. 3rd time this week. It actually crossed my mind to skip it and then I wondered what the hell I was going to tell my log and my imaginary audience of thousands if I got more depressed again for lack of cardio. Seriously.
Tomorrow: Depression part II - How I became a superhero.
Holy crap I missed that Deja stopped in again. Deja, you are a strong woman and your words mean a lot to me. mwah
This morning I woke up at 7:06 for a 7:30 meeting 20 minutes away. As I sat bolt upright and cried “Fuck!”, I simultaneously thought, “well, I didn’t oversleep because of drinking”. It’s funny, it’s not like I was out there getting dui’s or participating in barfights. I’m just glad that every little headache doesn’t need to be followed with the internal monologue “maybe I had one glass too many last night…” < brutal candor, people. This probably screws my chances at the presidency.
There were several moments of joy this morning. I caught a page of Hallowed’s log last night about shanking people and I thought “THAT’s how I’m supposed to be… this is supposed to be a powerful women log, not a whiny little bitches log”. The very fact that I can think that is a big improvement over lying around wishing I could have a quick, fatal bus accident.
Deadlift day
Sumo triples 1x3 at 45, 65, 95, 115, 120 I’m all about the form these days. Hips down chest up no compromise.
Conventional triples 1x3 at 45, 65, 95, 115 120 Pretty much supersetted with the sumos.
Accessories
Overhead squat with steel bar 1x10
Hipthrusts 1x5 at 95, 135, 155, 155
One leg deadlift 1x5 at 55
Abs oblique hanging knee raises 2x10
One leg hamstring curl (machine) 3x5 at 50
Later, obligatory soul-saving cardio and chapter II.
You are appreciated!
As to “obsessive goals” perhaps we live obsession differently. I see it as all positive, but I am not all-goal-all-the-time obsessive when I’m after something. Its more like a slow, steady, keep my priorities straight sort of obsession. But then, I don’t have kids and I have a fairly indulgent husband…so what really is the reality???
Deadlifts…I’m also focused on form instead of weight these days. I’m just so sick of rounding my back when the weight gets hard.
[quote]kimbakimba wrote:
As to “obsessive goals” perhaps we live obsession differently. I see it as all positive, but I am not all-goal-all-the-time obsessive when I’m after something. Its more like a slow, steady, keep my priorities straight sort of obsession. But then, I don’t have kids and I have a fairly indulgent husband…so what really is the reality???
Deadlifts…I’m also focused on form instead of weight these days. I’m just so sick of rounding my back when the weight gets hard.[/quote]
I am an obsessive personality type.
I cosign fitness obsession… for me its this or something so much worse.-
Hi spider lady. very happy to have you amongst us.
I am one of those 30yr olds that can easily and happily down 2-3-4 glasses of wine a night. I choose to put the breaks on that because I do know where that leads.
I have a tendancy to go through massive highs and lows (mother’s bi-polar, father manic depressive and more history in the family) I have learnt that these moods are often cyclical. If I’ve just gone through a major high then I need some time hermitting to digest it, to recenter. The low period forces me to rest. I try to see it as the hermit period rather than the low period. Amazon vs. Hermit. I see it as preparation for the next battle, the next high.
I do believe the rats would swim again given a little incentive… maybe a litte cheese at one end would get the mojo running?
Evertime you sign a post you tell us we (pw) are awesome. I’d like to see you include yourself in that final comment: we are strong, we are beautiful, we are inspiration and motivation.
Now go get that Bench record!!!