Hello everyone. I was always skinny fat growing up so January 2015, I committed myself to gaining mass and strength. I gained 15 solid pounds in 4 months and improved my lifts, some more significantly than others. However, in the summer of that year, my life fell apart and I stopped lifting consistently and lost all the weight I had gained. I started to gain some of it back earlier this year, but the depression remained. I didn’t have the energy to lift or do anything. I turned to using stimulant drugs daily in an attempt to bring the fire back into my life, but all they did was waste more muscle and turn me into a robot. After a month of that, I saw the stims were hurting me more than they were helping and I quit cold turkey, without issue. From then until now I’ve been going through the motions, program-hopping, skipping meals all the time, etc. I have made no progress in that time.
I have decided to simply pretend that I am a true beginner that has never lifted before and start at my original (very weak) starting weights. I’ll progress faster than I did then fortunately, but I’m going to do this the slow and the right way. I wish to shed the past and start completely from scratch with a pure mind and heart.
I hate myself for completely wasting the last year and a half, especially as the end of college is slowly creeping toward me. Every time I enter a gym I am wracked with guilt over my repeated failures. This is my attempt to come to peace with myself.
I hope to make friends as I keep this log.
3200 calories a day, including a quart a milk mixed with a scoop of casein, and 5 tbsp peanut butter daily. The rest will come from wherever, but I’ll make sure I have enough protein and eat to fullness as every major meal.
3 days a week, alternating days:
Weighted Chinups: 3x5
This will probably change over time.
My first workout will be later today.