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60 Minutes II Cancelled: Rather

60 Minutes II Cancelled: Rather “Mad as a Pig”

Nov 3, 2004: CBS broadcast titan Dan Rather learned today that his “60 Minutes II” program has been cancelled. “I’m mad as a pig not invited to the dinner table,” said Rather, but the journalist attributed the cancellation to “ratings thinner than November ice” and denied that any loss of credibility on his part was responsible. “I’m still sound as a pound, and snug as a junebug in an abandoned cornfield,” reported Rather.

The veteran journalist was miffed, however, that a number of Karl Rove-exposing stories he had planned for broadcast now will never be aired. Instead of allowing such valuable information to “languish like a cat in an armoire,” the award-winning broadcaster chose to publicly disclose his final authenticated “60 Minutes II” scoops here, as follows:

  1. A mystical adept of Rosicrucianism, Rove is actually several hundred years old and at one time acted as counsel to King Louis XI of France, whom he instructed to vanquish Charles the Reckless, and to set up the first western printing press in Strasburg, thereby ensuring the mass distribution of the very Bible that would one day lead directly to George W Bush’s re-election.

  2. As a young Reagan operative in the early 80s, Rove ran crack cocaine and guns into the Watts section of California and was known to local gang leaders only by his street name, “Keyser Soze.”

  3. Dabbling in Kabbala, Rove accidentally animated anti-sodomite Golem Rick Santorum, whom he’s since used brilliantly as part of a long-term strategy to energize the homophobic Republican base.

  4. Acting on behalf of Dick Cheney and Halliburton, Rove ordered the assassination of 3 Stanford engineering students who had perfected the first-ever renewable energy automobile, which ran on boiling water and Maple and Brown Sugar-flavored Cream of Wheat. Then, in a ritual ceremony, Rove burned the blueprints while drinking the students’ blood (mixed with bourbon and Maraschino cherry juice).

  5. In ancient Aramaic, “Rove” translates roughly as “Mossad.”

  6. Margaret Cho? An RNC creation meant to discredit progressives by portraying them as slovenly elitist imbeciles who “couldn’t find funny if it was strapped to a midget and riding bareback on the hood of a poorly maintained bumper car.”

  7. In 1977, Rove orchestrated the abduction of Elvis Aaron Presley, whom the US later used to defeat the ancient Egyptian evil of Bubba Ho-Tep. Presley’s body remains in a barometric chamber in a secret vault beneath Disney’s Epcot Center, kept alive on mushed bananas and bacon fat.

  8. Experimenting with monkey vivisection in the Congo, Rove stumbled upon the AIDS virus and later became the first man to effectively weaponize it; subsequent super-secret Reagan Administration threats to unleash the disease on Moscow essentially ended the Cold War and drove a dagger into the heart of the equitable distribution of wealth.

In further news, Rather insisted that even if he had to “sweat harder than an armadillo” to get the story out, his expose of Rove’s rocket-skate conspiracy will despite this latest setback nonetheless air shortly, swearing, “I’m still going to sting those Bush boys like syphilitic urine.”

(Credits: The 8 points part is from Jeff Goldstein at Protein Wisdom. The rocket-skate conspiracy refers to a story at Iowa Hawk. The article was faxed to me from a Kinko’s in Abilene and has been authenticated by CBS experts.)