T Nation

50 Greatest Things About the US

This is a funny article I found on:

http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=3881&SectionID=1

  1. We get along with our black people now.
    Sure, we had our issues in the past, but everything’s all better now. I swear.

  2. Entertainment Tonight
    If you have no imagination, taste, or soul, ET is there to show you what famous people do. That way you can model your life after them. They’re better than you, after all.

  3. We take sports seriously, but not too seriously.
    When Tony Romo dropped that snap, he knew he was in for an off-season of public ridicule, but he didn’t have to worry about being chased by a mob and beaten to death.

  4. We drink to get drunk.
    While fancy Europeans spend a bunch of time trying make beer taste good, we know beer is just a means to end. That’s why we make beer that tastes as much like water as possible.

  5. Even our poor people are fat.
    In no other place in the history of the civilization has the lowest class of people lived so comfortably. If you can get the gout while living on food stamps, you’re not doing so badly.

  6. Safety
    In America, our fast food coffee cups have friendly warnings printed on them reminding us that hot coffee can burn your skin.

  7. Bankruptcy Laws
    Did that mean old banker trick you into taking out a mortgage you can’t afford? Did all those fancy TV commercials force you to buy more shiny new baubles than you can afford? That’s okay. Try and do better this time.

  8. We apparently played a significant role in winning World War II.
    But it’s not like we’re always bragging about it.

  9. These colors don’t run.
    “Cuz real gangsta-ass niggas can’t run fast.”

  10. Loose enforcement of fireworks laws.
    While I have no proof of this, I suspect that if you took all the limbs blown off in Forth of July fireworks accidents and put them end to end, they would stretch from Earth to the moon and back.

  11. Free Refills
    Who wouldn’t want to live in a nation where flavored sugar water literally flows freely at nearly every eatery? A damned fool, that’s who.

  12. Done with that Applebee’s Southwest Chicken Wrap?
    Just throw it away.

  13. Building Codes
    You can be relatively certain that while stomping your feet and cheering at a sporting event, the upper deck will not collapse killing hundreds of people.

  14. The mass-produced Automobile
    The fact that your shoes aren’t currently caked with horse feces is thanks to a little invention called the assembly line. American Henry Ford’s manufacturing innovation brought the automobile to the masses. It may also bring about the collapse of our global ecosystem and the death of billions of people, but that may not be such a bad thing either.

  15. The Cheese Burger

  16. We have a cure for most STDs
    Everyone is down for getting some stink on their hang low. The trick is getting rid of the burning sensation after banging some swamp crotch harlot. Well in America, we’ve taken care of just about all of the STDs. We’ve even turned AIDS into a manageable chronic illness. We’ll get around to letting the Africans know at some point; I promise.

  17. Four Words: Jack. Daniel’s. Tennessee. Whiskey.

  18. We drive on the RIGHT side of the road.

  19. Success in America is measured in many ways:
    salary, horsepower, wattage, screen size, karat weight, BTUs, square footage, megatons, cup size, screen time, and your ability to avoid drafting any players who have retired for your fantasy football league.

  20. Classic Rock Radio’s Two-Fer Tuesdays
    Where else can you hear Dream On and Love in an Elevator back to back once a week?

  21. Midgets can live in their natural environment…
    …show business.

  22. The Second Amendment
    Our founding fathers made sure that the government would always be at the mercy of its people by guaranteeing our right to bear arms. If the government ever tries march on to my land with their stealth fighters, smart bombs, body armor, satellite surveillance, battle tanks, etc., they’d better be prepared to face my collection of legally crippled firearms.

  23. Roadhouse is always on sale for $9.99 at Best Buy.

  24. The Bikini

  25. Has any other country ever orchestrated a covert coup of a democratically elected government to protect the interests of a banana company? I doubt it.

  26. We’re nice to Jews.

  27. No mandatory military service.
    In many countries you required to serve for a period of time, but in America all you have to do is put a yellow “support the troops” ribbon on the back of your Hummer.

  28. The 15th Amendment.
    It’s nice to know you can write in “Ike Turner” on the ballot for County Commissioner and not get hanged by your penis.

  29. You never have to fill out those pesky applications for socialized health care.

  30. Vegas
    I know; you can gamble in other countries, but nowhere else can you lay a grand on next year’s Arena Football champion, fuck three whores with a cotton gin, fly over the grand canyon, rent a Ferrari, and see 100 gays dance to Beatles songs, all in one day.

  31. Super Lotto
    You can thank all the idiots who pay the voluntary lotto tax for keeping your property taxes down.

  32. Civil War Reenactments
    “What? 23,000 Americans died at the Battle of Antietam? Awesome. Let’s get dressed up, act that out, and then have a picnic.”

  33. The Rodeo
    “Let’s tie a rope around that bull’s nuts and see if you can ride it for eight-seconds.”
    “Sounds awesome.”

  34. Deliveries
    There’s no other place where you can get a stuffed crust pizza, a case of Coors, a carton of smokes, a teenage stripper, groceries, a DVD of Big Trouble in Little China, a rental car, a washer and drier, and a copy of the Watchtower all delivered to your house for no extra charge.

  35. Sesame Street
    The American version, while also being the original, doesn’t have an HIV positive muppet like the South African version, or a wheelchair bound muppet like the Canadian version.

  36. Gonzo Porn
    It took awhile, but we finally figured out that the only thing people cared about was the fucking. So we invented porn that was just that. Genius.

  37. Skipping work/school to go to Opening Day at the ballpark.
    An afternoon game on a sunny day in April is the best place on Earth, even if you don’t like baseball.

  38. Unpredictable Elections
    People are actually going to cast votes to elect Fred Thompson the leader of the free world because they liked his character’s tough stance on crime on Law and Order.

  39. Hunting Season
    Once a year we are free from rednecks as they are all out trying to kill defenseless animals for fun.

  40. We have all the natural disasters.
    Earthquakes, Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Wild Fires, Floods, Drought, Volcanoes… But, it’s worth it because we get to make lots of TV movies about them.

  41. We don’t care about soccer.
    You hear that ESPN? We don’t fucking care. Okay?

  42. Madonna doesn’t live here anymore.

  43. The Birth Control Pill
    Way more convenient than those pesky abortions since your girlfriend doesn’t mope around for a week after taking the pill.

  44. It’s the birthplace of crack.
    Crack is a testament to both our ingenuity and our insatiable desire to get really fucked up. Is there any other country for which cocaine wasn’t strong enough?

  45. Mexico and Canada are the coolest neighbors ever.
    Okay, so Mexico visits more than we’d like, but at least she cleans up while she’s here.

  46. The First Amendment
    Right now there is homeless guy camped out in front of the White House holding a sign that says The Dalai Lama and George Bush eat the heads of human babies. Only in America.

  47. Daily Showers
    It’s nice that while standing in line at the market, the man in front of you doesn’t smell like he just climbed out of a dead horse’s asshole.

  48. We landed on the moon.
    The fucking moon, bitches. The moon.

  49. Football
    Not only the greatest thing about America, football is the single greatest human achievement.