Men and women who work out enjoy certain advantages when it comes to lovemaking. Warning: Not for the puritanical or faint of heart.
Erections are the canaries in the coal mine as far as heart health is concerned. Sure, these particular canaries might be featherless and shaped like the mushroom character in Mario Kart, but canaries in the coal mine nonetheless.
Anyhow, if the plumbing of your heart and vascular system in general is plugged up, you won’t be able to achieve the hydraulic pressure necessary to achieve an erection. It’s like one of those WWII submarine movies where all the pipes are shooting steam and the U-boat is nose-diving towards the ocean floor, only, you know, without Nazis.
Exercise should help with that. Just don’t get too fit. You don’t want to have to call an urologist because you got an erection so strong that you ended up like Pooh Bear when he ate too much honey and got stuck in the rabbit hole.
Working out can also shorten the refractory period, which is the time it takes you to achieve another erection. The average 18-year-old has a refractory period of about 18 minutes, but this time span lengthens with age and diminished conditioning until eventually it has to be measured using geological time scales.
Let’s say you got an erection in the Jurassic time period but didn’t get another one until the Cretaceous period. Chances are, your date would have gotten bored and taken an Uber-ankylosaurus home. Not good.
If that describes you, you need to start working out to improve your hydraulics.
Most of us human types, especially men, like to visually drink in what we’re doing and whom we’re doing it with. It’s… stimulating. But when you and your partner are out of shape, you don’t want to look or be looked at, so you only have sex under cover of darkness. Same as armadillos.
When people are a little slobby, sex in daylight, or even subtly illuminated by lava lamps or candlelight, can be awfully off putting, if not downright disturbing.
They’ll be doing the deed but even in the heat of passion, men or women can find themselves distracted by some physical manifestation of bad diet and inactivity and say to themselves, “Wow, I did not want to see that,” or worse yet, “What the hell is that?”
Maybe their partner’s slack appearance will even remind them of the time they had sex with their male or female Real Doll™ too close to the fireplace. Not good.
Gym rats don’t need to worry about any of that. In a lot of cases, in-shape people could even have sex under powerful klieg lights and rather than be ashamed, they’d go all Norma Desmond and say, “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close up.”
There are few physical surprises when you meet someone new in the gym. As far as women are concerned, if you’ve seen her working out, you pretty much already know what she looks like naked.
I say that because peeling off some woman’s skin-tight yoga pants is a lot like stripping the finish off an armoire you want to restore. When you take off that finish, it still looks like the same piece of furniture, only with its natural wood color. Same thing with women.
Strip off those tight pants and sure enough, they look almost exactly the same as they do with their yoga pants on, only with their natural color instead of stripes, polka dots, or butterflies flying around their keister. Plus there’s practically no cleaning with mineral spirits and sanding.
There are also benefits for women who hook up with guys they met at the gym. While guys don’t generally wear skin-tight stuff like women do, they can still get a general idea of what he looks like naked. More importantly, though, they’ll get a better idea of what kind of lover he is based on how he acts in the gym.
Does he fail to wipe his sweaty bench after he uses it? Does he fail to put his weights away? If so, he’s probably not a gentleman and it’s unlikely you’re going to be fed chocolate-covered strawberries beforehand, or come back from the bathroom and find your panties delicately folded into an origami swan and placed on your pillow afterwards.
Sorry buddy, but it’s a whole new era. Women are in the sexual driver’s seat and what they’re driving is an enormous Ford F-650 with built-in vibrating ben wa balls and a Sirius satellite station that plays good “doing it” music.
You had best know what you’re doing, lovemaking wise, if you want to ride shotgun in that mother.
Case in point, getting a woman to climax takes patience, skill, and sometimes endurance, the last of which is what some metcon training in the gym will give you. Oh, it may take a frustratingly long time to do the job and you may end up bloody and battered and have to complain to your cornerman, “I can’t open my eye, cut me Mick, cut me,” but you’ll eventually get the job done.
Women don’t have to worry about that, as men are a far easier sexual puzzle to solve. After all, no one ever wrote a book boasting about how their techniques guarantee male orgasm.
Hell, a woman could be using a knife to slice up some lunchmeat in the kitchen and accidentally touch the front of a guy’s gym shorts with her elbow on a backstroke and it’d be all over.
If you’re slack muscled and out of shape in general, you’re pretty much relegated to using the same position you learned as a small, inquisitive boy when you looked into your neighbor’s bedroom window and saw the mailman on top of her.
In-shape people can have far more sexually satisfying relationships, though. They’re physically capable of going through flying Wallendas-style sex and whipping through the challenging offerings of the Kama Sutra the way your granny whips through recipes in The Big Book of Cheesecakes.
Strong abs, strong glutes, and strong thighs will enable you to handle the “Advanced Cow” (the dhenuka position), as well the “Splitting of Bamboo” and the “High Squeeze” (utpiditaka position). Those who are in really good shape can even try the “Crane” movement, which is characterized by taking a one-legged stance and launching into a flying jump kick… Wait a minute, I think I got that confused with the Karate Kid.
Anyhow, others might want to combine a little stability training with their sex by doing the “Swiss Ball Blitz,” which involves bouncing around on a stability ball, taking care not to catapult the both of you off the balcony and onto Interstate 5.
There’s only one rule on using these high technical-difficulty moves: Instead of cuddling, you must high-five each other upon completion.