T Nation

30 Things About Chuck Norris

  1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    1. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

    2. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

    4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    5. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    6. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    7. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    8. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

    9. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    10. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

    11. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

    12. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    13. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

    14. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

    16. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

    17. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

    18. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

    19. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

    20. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    21. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

    22. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

    23. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

    24. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

    25. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

    26. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    27. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

    28. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

    29. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.


If you put Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel in a room together with a several guns and cases of ammo, how long till they overthrow all of South America?


Chuck Norris has to use a laser to trim his beard. The leftovers are used to tip drill bits.

This one migh be urban legend, but I heard he also taught Frank Zappa how to play guitar. Absolute fact though- He did teach Clapton. Sometimes even lets him borrow the Beard.


Chuck Norris has never missed a question playing Jeopardy.

Jesus has missed two.


The question is not South America....its how long until they overthrow the world? The planet Earth will officially be called Chuckdiesel.


I cannot be alone in thinking re-naming the planet Chuckdiesel would not be a huge improvement.


Wait until you read the MR.T version.....

You will be roundhouse kicked at any moment now with much pitty....


This and the Mr.T thing are some of the funniest things I've ever read.

On a serious note, my pops used to spar and up until a few years ago have lunch with Norris every now and again and swears up and down that he is pound for pound the most powerful person he's ever fought. By the way, when they were sparring my pop was 6'1" about 240. Norris was maybe 5'6" and 150.


Oh man, that made my day... although I'm gonna have to check under my bed every night now, cause the last thing I want is to be roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris while sleeping.

Did you already post the Mr. T thing? If not, please do.


Ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Rhino, what's his dick called? :slightly_smiling:


gasp . . . gasp . . . still laughing . . .

When, oh when, will women devoted to the future of mankind (like myself) be permitted the privilege of breeding with Chuck Norris?

Until then, I shall pine away.




Bill Brasky and Chuck Norris once waged an epic battle. They left Tokyo demolished in their wake, and their exploits became the basis for Godzilla versus Mothra.


Laughing my fucken ass off!

Pure GOLD!


That was hilarious. Where is the one about Mr. T?


Funny stuff, thanks. I had a friend in high school who idolized Norris and that annoyed me to no end.


This piece was erected in honor of Chuck's favorite past-time.


If you ever wondered who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and Indiana Jones...wonder no more:



Mr. T.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he isalways understood.
Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then createdPity.
There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, and that's because Mr. T is going to walk.
Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.
23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.
Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.
You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth. Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.
Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T. In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold chainsaround their nucleus and were tired of the other cell's jibba-jabba.
The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded inhuman history.
Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is
around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.
Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don't have to outrunthe bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person.
If Mr. T is chasing you, you're dead no matter what.
It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.
Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.
Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to provethat quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.
Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

Both this and the chuck norris facts were in my inbox, I happened to be copy-and-pasting this while surfing T-Nation...it all just came together..


The brief case in Pulp Fiction contains Mr. T's gold chains

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

Vin Diesel is the reason Waldo is hiding.