25 Reasons Why it's Great to be Skinny

Little Guy Fun

A hilarious look at the joys of being skinny.

I’ve spent most of my life as a skinny bastard. It took more than two decades of lifting to get my body mass index up to a mirror-friendly 26. (If I’d known anything about nutrition I might’ve been able to do it in two years. But at least that left plenty of protein for you guys.)

However, I’d be the last to suggest that being skinny doesn’t have its benefits.

  1. No one tries to steal your watch when it’s up near your elbow.

  2. Want abs? Skip lunch.

  3. Win every duel, as long as you stand sideways.

  1. Clothes always fit–even your girlfriend’s.

  2. You never have to prove your manhood, since no one assumes you have any.

  3. Some people spend thousands of dollars for cheekbone implants. All you need to do is chew once or twice a day.

  4. If you have hair, being skinny makes you look like you have twice as much. If you don’t have hair …well, you’d better go buy some, because a skinny bald guy looks like a light bulb with its own blood supply.

  5. The skinnier you are, the bigger and more soulful your eyes look. You could be sitting in a Starbucks writing an email to your bookie begging for another week to cover your losses, and the woman at the next table will assume you’re composing haiku about her breasts.

  6. You, your girlfriend, and her Irish Wolfhound are all perfectly comfortable on that twin bed. A queen-size bed is like an aircraft carrier.

  7. Your doctor will never, ever say, “You know, you could really stand to lose some weight.” Of course, there’s only a one in five chance he’ll say that to someone who’s 5-3 and 270 pounds, but at least with you, there’s no risk at all.

  8. When a stiff wind blows you across the sidewalk, strangers will laugh and applaud, assuming it’s part of your comedy routine.

  9. In the gym, women offer to spot you when you’re warming up with the bar.

  10. When big guys say, “I crap bigger than you,” you can come back with, “Yeah, but at least I can wipe my own ass.” (Skip this clever retort if you can’t run fast and/or there’s no clear exit.)

  11. If you ever want to shut people up, just tell them you’re trying to lose weight. They’ll be speechless for the next five minutes.

  12. Women will feed you (as soon as you tell them you’re kidding about trying to lose weight).

  13. As long as Hollywood makes movies about people dying of horrible diseases, your acting career will flourish.

  14. Not only can you fit into a Mini Cooper, you can drive it and clip your toenails at the same time.

  1. “Thin is the new rich.”

  2. The department store is never out of your size. It’s always on the first shelf, and it’s always in stock.

  3. When you tell people you play tennis, they automatically assume you’re good.

  4. The “layered look” is always in style, which is a good thing, because if you go outside in winter without half your wardrobe, you’ll die of hypothermia.

  5. At orgies, no one panics when you jump in the pile.

  6. There’s one person on earth who doesn’t look horrible in a Speedo: you.

  7. Carbs, schmarbs.

  8. You could be dying of emphysema and people you haven’t seen in 10 years will say, “Wow! You look great!”