T Nation

20 Minutes At Costco

Simply curious: is there anyone here who can spend 20 or more minutes at Costco without wanting to BEAT the people around you? The screaming brats, the obnoxious parents, the just too-ugly-to-live cretins? When a kid rips open a bag on a shelf and the parent laughs, don’t you want to tan the kids ass then beat the parent for not doing their job?

I know this sounds elitist but …damn…!!!

I’ve never been in a Costco but I feel like that all the time.

Costcos are very different depending on what demographic lives near them. I’ve been in both ends of the spectrum, and they’re like night and day.

One constant though: The throngs of people waiting for a microscopic morsel of free sample food. Those people, I could do without on this planet.

Dude, if you are bitching about Costco you must not go into many Wal-Marts. Costco is like fucking a supermodel compared to a Wal Mart.

Did you just start shopping there? Costco is so awful it’s funny after a while. I used to try to strategically pick a day and time when it wasn’t busy, but it seems like the herd figures out when I’m going to be there and follows me.

From the best of craigslist:
[i]
The Supers are among us. Saturday in Costco they were apparent everywhere mingling with us ordinary folks.

BLINKER BOY �?? You sat in your powder blue minivan tending your liver spots waiting for someone to move their car out of a prime spot. There wasn�??t anyone even walking to a car in that lane, but you know that time and numbers are on your side. You�??re also savvy enough to know that if you let another car pass, they may get to a spot first. So you block. And you wait. In the middle. Staking out that lane as yours and creating havoc behind you. Left blinker on if someone walks down the left side of the row, quickly switching to right blinker if they cross. Hazards if they change rows in the middle. I was the guy who lured you to the end of the row by pretending to unlock the silver Acura, only to walk away when you got close. The people you were blocking thanked me.

THERMODYNAMICS GIRL. You demonstrate that energy input in the form of food, minus energy expended in the form of exercise yields energy stored in the form of lard. I passed you repeatedly over the hour I was in the store. Certainly you could�??ve found SOMETHING to buy after all this time. Then, I see. It�??s not a shopping trip, it�??s a free lunch. And that�??s not a cart. It�??s a walker. You heave your enormous, flabby arms and boobs over the edge of the cart and lean on it as you make your glacial progress from free sample to free sample. You use your cart/walker like a bulldozer in your quest to reach the Holy Grail; a Dixie Cup of Rock Star Energy Drink. The lady in the hairnet becomes your own personal drive-thru. I particularly liked how you asked if there were other flavors to try and took one for the road. The BBQ meatballs were a whole two aisles away.

ROUNDABOUT MAN. You parked yourself and your cart in the middle of the intersection of two shopping aisles strategically angled so as to occupy as much physical space as possible. While you forced traffic to direct itself in circles around you like a bunch of badly dressed Renaults circling the Arc de Triumph you were licking (tongue hanging out LICKING!) the inside of a spent paper cup full of Chicken Creamy Supreme. The look of confusion you gave when I told you to get the f%$^* out of the way was made funnier by the leftover cream sauce in your scraggly mustache.

THE SCREAMING EAGLES. The most lethal bunch in the store, led by a person to whom conscience and self-awareness are weaknesses to be exploited in others. She enters the store like a normal mom with three kids. Once inside, the disguise is removed, goggles flip down and she stares unwaveringly at her attack plan disguised as a shopping list. With trained efficiency, her cadre of small, fast and determined fighter escorts fan out alongside where they make sorties to various end-caps, sample stations and electronics displays. While docked with the mother ship, they effectively block passers and send other shoppers diving down the snack row for safety. They dive in and out of crowds knocking people and products over and come out unscathed, holding bags of Chicken Wings and Jalapeno Poppers. The most promising disciple is named Godzilla, for his ability to scatter Asian women with his stomping, screaming temper tantrums.

THE STROLLER Your name is a reference to the speed of your progress which resembles nothing so much as a nice little stroll on a sunny spring day in the garden. Determined to make your fellow shoppers slow down and smell the roses you set the speed limit for whichever aisle you�??re in. It�??s like following a school bus down a two lane road. I tried a bit of method acting and matched your pace, just to see what goes through the mind of someone so utterly lacking in ambition and purpose. All I could envision is how little I wanted to finish and be forced to go home to the gold and green shag carpeted, wood paneled house that smells like yesterday�??s Depends.

And my favorite �?? SUPERBOWL CONSUMER MAN! You were disguised in gray Champion sweats and a football jersey (making a triumphant homecoming to their place of purchase). Your tan Velcro Rockports were the sole give-away to the fact that you haven�??t strung together three running steps since Ike died. An off-brand 42 inch flat screen TV was parked on the big flat dolly with no company other than an enormous log of Velveeta cheese-flavored-food-product. You would have blended in nicely if you hadn�??t decided to take your entire purchase with you through the line to get a Polish dog and Diet Coke. Or was it a Chicken Bake, you man of mystery you? You were clearly proud of your purchase because you talked about it loudly the entire time. And if we needed a reminder that you�??re a big spender, you banged the evidence against our shins and plowed into tables as you strutted through the concession pushing inaccurately with one hand and one elbow while filling your grill with the other.
[/i]

How about all the jackasses who have to push their carts down every aisle and never fail to stop in front of you when they are next to somebody so you can’t pass, leave their carts in the worst possible places causing log jams, or are basically oblivious to the fact that there are other people in the store that would like to actually get their shit and get the fuck out of there.

My personal favorite is indignant card fumbler. You know, the old lady who acts completely shocked and taken aback by the revelation that you have to show your membership card when you walk in, and spends 10 minutes digging through her purse trying to find it.

I shop almost exclusively at Costco, I know exactly what I want before I go in, I have gotten pretty damn good at getting in and out FAST. I get enraged at how damn slow and inconsiderate people are in there. Its insane, they just waddle along, cut right in front of you, STOP right in front of you abruptly to get free samples. I walk fast and pass people, haha I make a game out of it. I try to go early in the morning if possible and avoid the weekends…

[quote]Kalle wrote:
I shop almost exclusively at Costco, I know exactly what I want before I go in, I have gotten pretty damn good at getting in and out FAST. I get enraged at how damn slow and inconsiderate people are in there. Its insane, they just waddle along, cut right in front of you, STOP right in front of you abruptly to get free samples. I walk fast and pass people, haha I make a game out of it. I try to go early in the morning if possible and avoid the weekends…[/quote]

I’m like this every time I go shopping. I don’t browse.

[quote]Donut62 wrote:
My personal favorite is indignant card fumbler. You know, the old lady who acts completely shocked and taken aback by the revelation that you have to show your membership card when you walk in, and spends 10 minutes digging through her purse trying to find it.[/quote]

Oh man. That’s the same broad that you get behind in the checkout line who after they have checked everything she has and announced the total remembers she is writing a check and then you have to stand there while she rummages through her purse to find the checkbook, asks for the total again about 20 times and basically takes 5 minutes to write out a check.

What sucks about this is you can almost always see it coming but meanwhile people are piling up behind you and it is just too big of a gamble to try and line hop.

I grab a basket and then put a cart in a central location out of the way and basically use it as a satellite to throw the shit I want as I go and get it. I can be in and out in 15 minutes on a good day.

I hate Costco. I hate Sam’s Club. I hate Shoppers Food Wareouse…I hate any fucking grocery store (or any store) that thinks I want to listen to gay ass music while I shop…I really hate Wal Mart…

I’ll pay more (sometimes a lot more money) not to have to go there…gimme mail order meat. Gimme fruits and veggies from a hippie/organic store or farmer’s market and I’m happy…much better ass in the hippie store is an added bonus…actually…having a little trouble scarfing down my tuna for lunch right now thinking about the fatsos in Costco in the same thought as mentioning ‘ass’ in a sexual tone…

Oh yeah…Home Depot…Lowes…hate them too…Best Buy…Target…would like to see some maniac burn them all down…

Thank you OP for helping me feel righteous.

I don’t have a Costco very close to my house, so I just hit the Shoppers Food Warehouse that’s basically right across the street from me. They have fairly good meat and produce, and decent prices on everything. I fucking hate it.

I’ve got a theory on grocery stores. You will never seen a bigger conglomeration of stupidity in any one place. Why is that? Because everyone’s gotta eat and because people, on average, are fucking stupid. I was blessed (cursed?) in life to be above par intellectually speaking. The downside is that of all the people around me in public areas, it’s a safe bet that at least 3/4 are dumber than I am.

Just think about how stupid the average person is. Look around yourself in a crowd. Half of them are dumber than that. This is why you get all the clueless idiots in the aisles in the grocery stores. Hell it starts in the parking lot. People don’t understand simple ingress/egress. If you’ve got a stop sign and I don’t, you have to wait for me to get through, you fucking simpleton. My lane will block the major thoroughfare if it gets jammed up.

I’m like Kalle, shopping is a mission for me. I know exactly what the fuck I’m gonna get and my mission is to grab it in as efficient and fast a manor as possible, dodging and swerving around the mindless meatbags clogging the arteries of the grocery aisles. I love the self checkout lanes. Most people are afraid of them and will avoid them except at times when the store is extremely crowded. I worked as a cashier at a Sam’s club for a couple of years in my youth, so I’d just rather do it myself.

Even if it takes a little longer on average, it sure beats those times I get stuck behind the check writing granny or the full lanes. The only bad part is getting stuck behind an idiot in the self checkout lane. How can you be confused by those machines? Scan barcodes, type produce #'s, cram some cash up the machine’s ass and get the flying fuck out of the way. There should be a bouncer for those lanes who waits for anyone to stare at the machine for more than a couple of seconds without doing anything and then comes over and punches them in the face. Then he shoves them towards the normal lanes with the rest of the stupids so that the rest of us can try to get out of there.

[quote]Headhunter wrote:
Simply curious: is there anyone here who can spend 20 or more minutes at Costco without wanting to BEAT the people around you? The screaming brats, the obnoxious parents, the just too-ugly-to-live cretins? When a kid rips open a bag on a shelf and the parent laughs, don’t you want to tan the kids ass then beat the parent for not doing their job?

I know this sounds elitist but …damn…!!![/quote]

It is the price you pay for cheap goods. Spend more elsewhere and they keep the riff-raff out.

Sorry Zap, the riff-raff are everywhere.

[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:

It is the price you pay for cheap goods. Spend more elsewhere and they keep the riff-raff out.[/quote]

As usual, Zap has provided good advice for grocery stores and whorehouses…

I love grocery shopping. I consider it a challenge. All you need to powershop is a sporting mentality and maybe a helmet and shin guards.

First, I like to get a layout of the store, so I know exactly where everything is located. For an advantage, I have my shopping list written according to each aisle.

Then, grab your cart (make sure all 4 wheels are going in one direction) and it’s game on!

Blast through the produce section, be on the defense. The wide aisles make it easy to check those slow movers into the boards with your cart. Grab the good stuff and use the bruised fruit to Dodge Ball the fatties out of the way. Some will retaliate, so a helmet can give you added protection if their aim is good.

Need something at the deli? Grab a number and put your sprint on.

Ram through the rest of the aisles at top speed, grab what you need, but be accurate. You can make good time if you push off and ride the cart (shin guards work here). If you have your kid in the seat, he’ll love this part. Move quick, you’re next at the deli. This is where you can get a break, tell the deli guy what you need, and it’s on to the Dairy section.

You need to be careful with your slam around the eggs, and if the milk’s on sale, you grab 2 gallons with one hand while checking your eggs for broken shells with the other. This takes some practice, but it’s worth it.

Now you need your best strategic moves to get into the right line at the checkout. No matter how good a powershopper you are, most of this game depends on luck. I always look for a cashier with a bagger, they usually move faster. Stay away from old people at all costs. They’ll slow you down and ruin your game.

Pay with your card, grab all your groceries at once (some of you may need additional strength training here, especially if you have a large family and are shopping for a week of supplies) and head for the car.

Voila! Done!

I also have a parking lot game, but that’s another story.

[quote]malonetd wrote:
Kalle wrote:
I shop almost exclusively at Costco, I know exactly what I want before I go in, I have gotten pretty damn good at getting in and out FAST. I get enraged at how damn slow and inconsiderate people are in there. Its insane, they just waddle along, cut right in front of you, STOP right in front of you abruptly to get free samples. I walk fast and pass people, haha I make a game out of it. I try to go early in the morning if possible and avoid the weekends…

I’m like this every time I go shopping. I don’t browse.[/quote]

Browsing should be a Man-Law punishable by castration.

I used to go there and try and get out as fast as possible but if I go to Wholefoods or Trader Joes, I want to take my time. Always pretty ladies in those stores:^) but not in costco.

[quote]rainjack wrote:
malonetd wrote:
Kalle wrote:
I shop almost exclusively at Costco, I know exactly what I want before I go in, I have gotten pretty damn good at getting in and out FAST. I get enraged at how damn slow and inconsiderate people are in there. Its insane, they just waddle along, cut right in front of you, STOP right in front of you abruptly to get free samples. I walk fast and pass people, haha I make a game out of it. I try to go early in the morning if possible and avoid the weekends…

I’m like this every time I go shopping. I don’t browse.

Browsing should be a Man-Law punishable by castration. [/quote]

Unless it’s in a gun store.

[quote]Hagar wrote:
rainjack wrote:
malonetd wrote:
Kalle wrote:
I shop almost exclusively at Costco, I know exactly what I want before I go in, I have gotten pretty damn good at getting in and out FAST. I get enraged at how damn slow and inconsiderate people are in there. Its insane, they just waddle along, cut right in front of you, STOP right in front of you abruptly to get free samples. I walk fast and pass people, haha I make a game out of it. I try to go early in the morning if possible and avoid the weekends…

I’m like this every time I go shopping. I don’t browse.

Browsing should be a Man-Law punishable by castration.

Unless it’s in a gun store. [/quote]

I thought we were talking about Wal Marts, Costco’s, and Sam’s.