T Nation

15 Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris


#1

15 Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris

  1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

  2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

  3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

  4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

  5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

  6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

  7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

  8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

  9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

  10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

  11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

  12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

  13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

  14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

  15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.


#2

Dear Lord, grant me this one wish...


#3

get a job.


#4

Yeah sure, took me all of 30 seconds to cut and paste.


#5
  1. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

This was actually funny, I'm truly laughing out loud at work. Good shit.

Monopoly


#6

Man, I laughed out loud here at work again...the other time was Vin's fact sheet. Funny stuff.


#7

If you can keep finding hilarious stuff like this, please let it be your job.


#8

"As Oswald shot", C'mon we all know he was just a patsy who took the blame.. anyway, good post. I heard from reliable sources that he takes a crap standing up singing the national anthem.


#9

LOL Nice, smakm. Of course, we won't be hearing from you again. Nobody taunts Chuck Norris and lives.

Shame too, you had potential. I'm going to hold a seance after you die and ask you what the roundhouse kick to the face feels like. I bet it stings.

I suddenly have the strangest urge to grow a beard now. But I already look like Steven Seagal... hmmm, decisions, decisions.


#10

Number 11 is the best.


#11

I agree.


#12

And now a random fact about Mr. T:

The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Mr. T invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

Mr. T knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.


#13

fans of chuck norris (and conan) look at this:

http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker4.shtml


#14

Some new (and some old) facts about our buddy Chuck!

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty


#15

http://gorillamask.net/conanwalker1.shtml

The first clip is probably the funniest thing you will see all week. No matter who you are.


#16

the chuck facts are by far the funniest things i have read all week.


#17

OMFG I think I just wet myself laughing so hard


#18

Shit, I do believe this:
http://gorillamask.net/petarat.shtml
is the funniest thing I've seen in my life.


#19

I second that!!!!


#20

"Fucking Chuck Norris" as quoted from Dodgeball.